Lessons on work, love, life and belonging, from a 31 year old.

career

2 Aug

Keep reading to discover the top 31 life lessons I've learned in one of my most personal posts to date.

Girl wearing yellow trousers on a green background under a yellow sun

Today - August 2nd - is my birthday.

The reason I am telling you this is because a few milestones have occurred in recent weeks; The Ask’s 3rd Birthday, 10-year anniversary since graduation and that additional trip around the sun.

As entrepreneurial people, it's easy to compare ourselves to others; I always used to fear sharing my age because I was concerned about what other people would think or say. We’re all guilty of assuming we're not as far, not as credible, not as successful perhaps as we 'should be by now'. Often forgetting that the journey itself is the point and the person you become in the process, not just the end result.

It's cliché, but age really is just a number.

So, to celebrate, today’s post is a departure from what I’d normally write to you about. Less about ‘business’ or ‘coaching’ and more about life at large.

So here are some of the lessons I've learnt in my 31 years in the hopes that by doing so my you’ll join me in reflecting on the person you are too, are becoming.

Let’s get started.

On being ‘ahead’.

I graduated at 20. By 25 I was in a leadership role with a £m account and my own team. At 26 I bought my own flat in London (via shared ownership, mind you) and by 27 was a self-employed certified Coach. Having to contend with the ins and outs of mortgages, life insurance, tax, VAT, and whatnot has taught me to ‘grow up’ faster.

But in many ways I don’t feel as ‘grown up’ as I thought I might at this age, given that I’d always assumed by 31 I’d be a wife, a mother, perhaps living in the suburbs. Yet as it stands I don’t feel ready for that.

Or, is not being ready a product of my career ambition, finances, relationship status and peer group?

Living in the social media era makes it so easy to compare your lot.

But I believe we are right where we are supposed to be.

Personally across my life right now I feel like I am in a better place than ever.

Specifically, that looks like being calmer and more present than I’ve ever been. More at peace with my body image, rock-solid friendships, in a (new) but secure and loving relationship, and finished a year traveling the world meeting incredible people, all whilst building The Ask®.

I feel incredibly fortunate to make it to this age, and to make it to year three running my own business, hitting a six-figure turnover and working with clients who inspire me with their own dreams and ambitions. Clients, might I add, who range from 23-68 years old.

On overcoming challenges

To get to this point in my life though, has not always been easy.

Growing up I had to learn the value of working hard and started babysitting, selling clothes on ebay, taking on restaurant jobs… ever since the age of 13 I’ve had a job of some kind and have never relied on ‘hand outs’ financially to get to where I am.

Partially due to the impact of my parents’ divorce when I was 16 I have often struggled in the arena of love and relationships. I’ve gone from anxious to avoidant, having flings or choosing the wrong people; often the only single one amongst friends. Perhaps related, my 20s saw some darker periods around mental health and body image, marred by too many waking hours stressing about food.

In employment days I had my ups and downs to find fulfilling work which meant a lot of switching lanes and risk taking. Since running my own business I’ve had to contend with periods of doubt, insecurity and sleepless nights about money. London living and business costs in uncertain economic times don’t help.

However, the times that I have learnt the most, and grown as a person, have always been through these exact challenges.

And, at the point of writing, none of these challenges loom over my life thanks to the deliberate efforts I’ve made into creating change. I’m grateful that I can bring these experiences to bear in helping my clients change aspects of their own lives, too.

Of course I do (and all of us will continue to) experience problems, but I now have a strong toolkit with which to tackle them and an awareness of what's required to overcome them . Whilst, at the same time, I acknowledge the immense amount of privilege I have as a white, straight, able-bodied human on this earth. I know my opportunities and situation are not made on an equal playing field.

So whether you can relate to my experiences or not, I hope some of these lessons might offer guidance for your own journey.

Enjoying this post?

Subscribe today and join 3,000+ other people getting the next post dropped right in their inbox.

On the 31 lessons learnt in life, love and work

Hard choices, easy life. Easy choices, Hard life.
When you make a sacrifice e.g get up early to go to the gym, leave a night out for quality sleep, invest money … you are choosing the harder option with more friction. Often you have to say ‘no’ despite peer pressure or flex your will power in the face of a more pleasurable choice. I know looking back however that almost all the best parts of my life are a result of delayed gratification and harder choices that I’ve made.
There always an ‘Order of Events’
I’m impatient to have everything at once, but have learned how we all have to get the right foundations in place in order to get to the next life milestone. These foundations not only create the right conditions for the next thing, but they ensure I have become the person that can handle the next thing financial, relationship, career goal etc. If that’s you, ask, what has to come first here, for the rest of what I want to be made possible/easier?
Invest in experts
Every time I’ve sought help in my work, love life, health, nutrition, fitness, finances…it’s paid off. The best investments I’ve ever made have been in experts who can guide me in an area where I’m less knowledgeable or have blind spots. As a coach, I am such an advocate of working with other coaches or mentors in areas where I want to see more growth and my current coach is no exception.
Go and do something to distract you
Ever waited by the phone, or refreshed your emails many times waiting for a message? Well I have decided that its pretty much a universal law that whenever you are willing for that message to arrive, is the least likely time that it will 🙃. Go and do something else instead!
Don’t Settle
The more you have going for you, the more you will expect from the people, jobs, relationships, opportunities you bring into your life.
Write Goals Down
Setting goals and writing them down acts as a forcing mechanism for the chances of them occurring. More than sheer wishful thinking, or manifestation, this is about putting focus, energy and attention onto what you most want. Put another way, if you don't keep your goals visible or actively work towards them don’t be surprised when they don’t happen.
Pay attention to the system
When you’ve been struggling with something for a long time, it might not be a ‘you’ issue, but a consequence of the system in which you’re operating. That might be the access to housing, healthcare, equality or any impact of inequalities at play. Recently I can’t stop thinking about how the economy/jobs market is the main factor in people's inability to find fulfilling work (not an individual level failing) and that's why I am such an advocate for building a business around yourself.
Jealousy is a map
Jealousy reveals what you want to create for yourself and where you’d most value change. For example, pre-covid, as an employee, whenever I’d leave the office midday for an appointment etc I’d feel so jealous of anyone who seemed to be out and about in control of their own schedule, wearing non corporate attire. In your own life, pay attention to where you feel jealousy and use it to inspire your journey'.
You can’t run away from your problems
Travel and holidays are a lovely change of scenery but you are still bringing YOU and all of your baggage, anxieties, habits, routines with you. Work on you before you try to ‘escape’ something.
“How someone deals with something is how they deal with everything”
My friend said this to me when I was having relationship issues. It’s easy to blame someone’s reaction/behaviour on the context in which it occurred. But most behaviours are symptomatic of how someone will react in almost every other context, too. I know coaches and therapists notice this in their client sessions… people are always showing you who they are! Believe them.
You can’t think your way to confidence
Through coaching I’ve observed how much a client’s confidence increases when they DO something. That action is often a result of having a clear direction and a plan. With clarity, direction and action, comes confidence. Don’t wait until you suddenly just ‘feel’ it to start, but take a step.
Not (necessarily) friends forever
My mum always said “friends are for a lifetime, a reason or a season”. I have learned that if someone leaves my life, or I’m only close to them momentarily that doesn’t diminish the friendship. This person’s friendship could have been ‘seasonal’ or for a specific reason. Hold onto those lifelong friends when you find them!
Create the space for new things
When you want to bring something / someone new into your life you have to clear the space for it to enter. This might be an energetic healing kind of clearing (e.g. an ex) or a clear out of your space and responsibilities (e.g new project). So, if you're ready for something new but are feeling blocked, have you made space for it?
Give ideas your full emotional labour
When starting a new project, idea or business, the emotional investment and commitment you give it is more powerful than any strategy or business plan you make. I’ve seen it both in myself and with clients – results always come from a commitment to ‘doing the thing’ even when you don't feel like it, are afraid, or have doubts.
Break the relational dance
This one came from a therapist after I described a recurring pattern with someone in my life. She told me that I have to ‘break the dance’ i.e. stop accepting this pattern, and make a change. Willing someone else to suddenly change their ways is a loser’s game, but you always have the choice to make a change.
Always be earning, learning or relaxing
This one comes from Naval Ravikant who says that if you want to be wealthy, spend all of your time either earning, learning, or relaxing so that you then outsource or ignore everything else. Whilst this might not be achievable all the time, I do feel grateful to be able to outsource cleaning, for example, and am intentional about how I spend that time instead (usually on my business!).
Own your standard
This comes from the dating podcast U Up. If the person you are dating does or says something you don’t like, it's okay to be turned off and not want to be with them. It's your standard. You are the one dating them – so other peoples’ opinions shouldn’t matter. You have to be ok with your standard and liking what you like. Don’t settle, remember.
F**k the spark
Don’t chase the spark in dating – it's a distraction or often the result of feeling anxiety towards someone. Chemistry aka the spark is only one small piece of the puzzle for a great relationship. The other pieces? There is ‘connection’, aka do you feel close and get along well with one another? Then there’s ‘compatibility’, do your lifestyles, interests, values match? Finally comes ‘commitment’; do you both want the same thing, and to be together? Chemistry and the ‘spark’ are fleeting, exciting, but not a reason to call someone your person.
Set daily intentions
Each day I write my intentions for the day ahead. Writing “Today I intend to…” makes me think about how I want to spend my time that day and makes it both more likely that it will happen and that I’ll enjoy the act of doing the thing, not just its associated reward. For example an intention might be as simple as ‘be present for my clients’ or ‘get fresh air’. Why not try it tomorrow morning and see?
Trust that it will happen, before it can happen
When you put yourself out there e.g to self promote, apply for a job or date, you have to trust that what you want will happen. Trust that is required for you to keep doing the actions that will mean that it will happen. Don’t worry about how or when it will happen, but focus on what you can control (showing up). You need the belief, to do the thing, to then have the thing.
Self-awareness is king
Knowing yourself is the biggest personal development hack I know. It’s one of the most underrated tools for finding happiness since the better you know yourself – your quirks, flaws, needs, strengths and interests — the better chance you have of finding a home where these things are celebrated. In my own case, spending time interrogating my fears and dreams through self-reflection, journaling and analysis has always got me on a better path..
Master the art of decision making
Strong decision making creates positive momentum in life. Indecision on the other hand, is often the death of many opportunities, ideas and relationships. I’ve honed my decision making muscle with clarity on my goals, vision, strengths and values. With this knowledge you can easily say ‘yes’ to that which is in alignment and ‘no’ to what isn’t.
People are mostly thinking of themselves
When you feel insecure, exposed or in an unfamiliar setting, remember that most people aren’t aware. They are mostly thinking about themselves. My parents told me this when I was younger, when I was moving schools and scared of standing out. Kids were mostly just thinking about themselves, and it's the same for us today as adults. Don’t waste your precious time worrying about their ideas of you.
Share your ideas
Writing online is one of the best ways to create opportunities for yourself, and find your people. It’s also how you will refine your ideas, reflect on what you’ve learnt, and find your voice. It's been the engine that has powered my coaching business. Remember, everyone is more concerned with themselves, than how you look!
You’ll keep being taught the same lesson
When I find that I keep having to ‘learn a lesson’ many times over I realise that it's because I’ve not yet truly learnt it. Life will keep serving you the same problem, disguised in different ways, until you have truly mastered the lesson you were meant to learn from it.
There’s always an opportunity cost
Every choice has an opportunity cost for what you could be doing instead. You have to start by asking how willing you are to trade what you have now, for the thing you say you want. Many people like to talk about what they will do but not always give up the status quo to get it. I am very aware of how successes in business always come from a risk, financial or time investment. Put another way, before you lament not having something someone else has, consider what opportunity costs they’ve made to have it. Are you still willing?
What's meant for you, will always be for you
The right opportunity, person, or job, will not pass you by. Trust that if something doesn’t happen that was never meant for you – see rejection as a redirection and be patient that your time will come.
Learn what motivates you
I hate wasting money and that has become a powerful force of motivation. E.g a full fridge means I won’t buy lunch or dinner out - I never waste food! Or booking into a gym class means I’ll attend even if I don’t feel like it, to avoid the fee. I’ll show up to Spanish lessons as I paid up front. Find what motivates you to do the things that you might otherwise find hard.
Choose your clients wisely
When you work for yourself your clients are like your colleagues. Except you get to choose them. When you like your clients you’ll not only do a better job for them but you’ll enjoy work more. Over time I've learned to recognise the clients that I work best with and how to prioritise finding them. I also know how to say no to anyone I recognise I will struggle to connect with. Trust your gut and walk away.
Stick to your own promises
Not only does staying true to your own word mean you are more likely to achieve your goals and be a better person, but it also builds internal confidence. I've seen it in myself and the clients I work with: the more you show up for appointments with yourself (the content schedule, gym session, early start etc) the more confident you become in turn. Trust you to have your own back.
If it was easy, everyone would do it
Whenever I encounter a challenge in pursuit of a particular goal or skill I want to master, I tell myself “If it was easy, everyone would do it”. Meaning, that by pushing through, I will have a result not many people have, and so the rewards should be worth the effort required. The sheer fact it's hard is a reason to keep going, as so few people will.

Thank you, as always, for reading and for being a part of this journey. I hope that whatever your age, these lessons might have given you something to think about or reflect on

Here’s to the next 31 years of growth and overcoming whatever life comes my way!

Ellen